Reflection of Ramadhan

It is one day before Ramadhan 1434H ends.

I pause to reflect on the events that have transpired this past month.

So many questions come to mind - Did I make full use of the Ramadhan? Did I manage to get closer to God? Was there anything that I could have done differently?

And the answer always seems to fall short of what I want.

It is not the not eating and drinking part that I have found difficult the past month. The challenge for me was more of the other aspects of Ramadhan: having to avert my eyes at impure sights, avoiding impure thoughts (a big challenge here), and most of all, sustaining my supplementary prayers throughout the entire month.

But Alhamdulillah, I am glad to report that I did manage the latter - I almost always managed to pray and additional solat taubah and solat hajat after my tarawih, and an additional solat taubah and hajat after Subuh prayers. Of this I am infinitely grateful that Allah gave me the strength and will-power to accomplish this - something that I had never been able to do throughout my life.

Of the Quran, up to this point I managed to finish 13 juz... Though not as much reading done as my Muslim brethren who finished reading the Quran two or even three times this month, it is a personal best for me since my childhood days. Throughout my adult life (including my time as a student and as a professional), I had never been able to get past a few juz in Ramadhan. There was always work, assignments, things to do, too tired.. there was always something that I told myself, just so that I could justify not reading the Quran. However I do realise that I could have read so much more...

In retrospect, even though I managed to do all the above this Ramadhan, one single aspect evades me. When I think about it, I find that I did not do just that - think. I read the Quran, and I prayed all the supplementary prayers, but I did not spend enough time just sitting down, contemplating, meditating, just thinking about Him. It may sound strange to many people, but that is the truth that I concede - I did all those things for Him, but I just did not spend enough time WITH Him... Wish I could explain it better, but I can't.

To all Muslims all around the world, I wish you Eid Mubarak. To all Malays in Malaysia, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya selama sebulan dan happy stuffing in all the good foods (Jaga-jaga). May the preceding Ramadhan be the best you have had to gain spiritual enlightenment and closeness to the Creator.

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.