Kau ingat masalah kau selesai kalau kau sedih? - Din Beramboi

Growing up, I have had moments that I thought were insignificant or banal. But looking back, some of them may not be as ordinary as I might think.

I remembered when I was in standard 3. It was somewhere in June or July. The Teacher was reading out the mid-year results just before going to recess.

I was number 2. Syafeeq was number 1.

I was devastated. Syafeeq was elated.

That was the first time that I did not get number 1 in class. Yes, it was childish (but I was a child), immature (again, I was a child) and nerdy (no comment), but I was brought up to believe that to be the best is everything.

So, just like what all 9 years old would do when they're dissapointed, I didn't go out for recess, but stayed in the class and cried at my table (yes people-who-grew-up-with-me, with the glasses thrown away, arms folded on the table supporting my forehead, the usual drama act). As the class emptied out, the Teacher saw me and she approached me.

"Kenapa awak menanggis?" (notice the double G)
No answer.

"Sebab awak tak dapat nombor satu?"
Nodded. Still facing the table.

"Kan awak dapat nombor 2. Tak cukup ke?"
Shook.

"Tak apalah. Beza awak dengan Syafeeq pun bukannya jauh sangat. Awak janganlah menanggis"
No answer.

"Inikan baru darjah tiga. Nanti banyak lagi benda awak boleh belajar. UPSR awak kena dapat 5A, PMR ada 8A. Awak kejarlah time tu"
Looked up. Still no answer. Sobbing.

"Janganlah menanggis. Ini benda kecil saje. Nanti awak dah besar, lagi banyak benda yang susah. Kalau awak menanggis sekarang, nanti awak dah tak ade air mata macam mana?"
Head back to facing table. Restarted crying.

"Macam ni. Awak kena janji dengan saya. Awak kena pilih. Awak boleh menanggis sekarang. Tetapi janji yang bila besar nanti, kalau awak ada masalah, awak sedih macam mana pun, awak tak boleh menanggis. Atau, awak berhenti menanggis sekarang, simpan air mata awak untuk masa yang awak betul-betul perlu menanggis"

I nodded. Lo and behold. I cried even louder. She left me at that.

No, that was not the last time I cried. Heck, I still did it when I was in Form 5.

But I think I am done crying now.

I am saving up my tears, even when the pain really hurts.

I think I am done sulking now.

Oh and by the way, Syafeeq went on to be number 1 in the year-end exams. And that was the last time he ever overtook me in any exams.

Jawapan saya untuk kata-kata kamu

tiada.

This space..

i can't believe i have stopped posting over here frequently (yeah like the good old time). it's so hard to start musing again. i guess this must've been what jk rowling felt when she wanted to start writing back for the new episode of harry potter novel =p.

this place has been a wonderful playground, like my very first entry back on 2006 (snap i deleted all of my old entries once upon a time ago- okay i was eff-ing stupid, i know). It was fun telling stories of my life, i mean my real life over here. the love, the constant complaints on the moronic little life i lead in this strange land called Auckland, the never ending short stories (forgive me for writing halfway, i don't intend to finish them up), the story of A, B, C and X, Y, Z and many other alphabetical muses.

it used to be when i couldn't wait to finish up the lectures to go home and write, because ideas were so much, and this idiotic life gave me inspiration more than i expected it could deliver. it used to be the day when i didn't care much writing names, or initials, because i knew there were only 2 visitors a day came to read my ramblings. i could be anything that i want.

except all of that are history. and history are not meant to be brought back to life. because it holds the best part of someone's life.

this playground houses more malfunction swings and seesaw than i know. it needs to go through some renovation. or maybe closed forever.

cinta

writing about matters of the heart is never easy. that is why i have been avoiding it so far. maybe i felt that it was a bit too personal. maybe it's because i'm afraid that if things don't go well in the relationship, it would be hard to forget about it as there would always be the entry to remind me of it. but this time, i actually feel that i need to make an entry on this. so that i can remind myself. and learn from the whole thing that happened. so this time, i'm making an exception.

cinta tegarkan hatiku

tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau

naluriku berkata

tak ingin terulang lagi

kehilangan cinta hati

bagai raga tak bernyawa

aku junjung petuamu

cintai dia yang mencintaiku

hati yang dulu belayar

kini telah menepi

bukankah hidup kita

akhirnya harus bahagia

'cinta' by kris dayanti and melly goeslaw

i used to hate this song (basically because i am not a fan of ms coleslaw there. she's just too weird for me). but i could never forget one line of the lyrics since the first time i heard the song:

cintai dia yang yang mencintaiku

this particular line had stayed in my mind like a bad jingle. mungkin sebab aku tak pernah setuju dengannya. with the whole concept. mencintai seseorang kerana dia mencintai kamu? what about what YOU want?

but something happened to me quite a while ago that finally made me understand what it means. it's just a pity that it took a heartbreak for me to understand it.

well such is life. kehidupan.

cinta

biar saja ada

yang terjadi biar saja terjadi

bagaimanapun hidup

memang hanya cerita

cerita tentang meninggalkan dengan ditinggalkan

cinta…..

how true.

you know what i did last weekend?

my almost non-existent social life took the form of existence last week weekend. driven from near-lethal condition of boredom on the afternoon, i decided to chat with my intern colleague. she is a nice korean girl with good sense of humour (let's just call her J). i asked her what she was doing and she said that she was gonna go out to buy a new microphone for her karaoke machine. doesn't really sound like the most interesting thing to do... but at that point - anything was better than staying in my room. so asked her if i could tag along. 20 minutes after that, i was already in a car with J and her friend, K. objective - to find a microphone for her karaoke machine.

we decided (well actually THEY decided) to go to a departmental store located at this part of the city (St Luke) which i rarely go to. whilst shopping for the microphone, J told me that she was attending her cousin's birthday later that evening. and they will be karaoke at the party. my mind made a backhand flip upon hearing this (kemaruk nak karaoke) but i was a bit apprehensive about attending the party. being the highly introverted individual that i am, i'm just not comfortable being the odd one out in the party. but of course i'll be the odd one out in the party - i'll be the only non-korean around! so i politely declined the offer.

after getting the microphone, we decided to go to a nike factory outlet cos i wanted to get some cheap running shoes (yeah - i'm a cheapskate. but i prefer the term smart shopper better.. ;P). and i did get a pair at a considerably cheap price (which by the way has not touched the soil yet cos i've been too preoccupied with so many activities (read: LAZY)). and at that point of jubilation and elation of getting new shoes, J asked me again if i wanted to join them to the birthday party. and i said yes (i was high at that time). she immediately called her cousin to inform her that i'll be coming (she actually called and said "oh btw, K is bringing a malaysian boyfriend" and giggled. i was like shit - matila aku. if there are any guys who fancies K at the party - this guy will corner me to the wall, grabs hold of my shirt and give me short, plausible warning). then i realised that i have just agreed to a night of possible awkwardness, discomfort and anxiety. crap! but it was too late to back out. so just to prepare myself, i stated asking J questions. how many people will be at the party (she said 15), what does her cousin do (working for living), is the cousin married (yes she is), are there any cute single girls who'll be at the party (err, wishful thinking.. hehhe.)

so we were off to J's cousin's place. amidst all the anxiety, i was quite excited because i've never been to a korean house before. but before we went in, i said to J "J, if no one talks to me... please don't leave me alone at the party". she giggled. "don't worry - i won't". we rang the doorbell and J's cousin greeted us with this huge smile. they then went on this high-speed conversation in korean. laju betul! as soon as i went in - i started to take off my shoes. K saw me doing this and stopped me - you don't have to do that here. she smiled. ahh..my girflfriend for the night was so sweet. =p

as i went into the living room, J introduced me to everyone. and i was flashing my best and friendliest smile to everyone while making a quick headcount. shit! they were already 14 people in the apartment - and there was more to come! "i'm gonna kill J for this".

we were immediately invited to help ourselves with the food after that. and J being the considerate friend/colleague that she is, asked her cousin whether there was any pork in the food. at first, her cousin had this puzzled expression on her face (maybe she was confused at J's sudden interest in pork because J doesn't eat pork). "no.. there's no pork in the food. why do you ask?". "because my friend here is a moslem and doesn't eat pork". the moment she said that, all eyes were on me (ok la ..not all. but those who heard the conversation turned to me. i guess during introduction J has left that bit of information out. ). "oh really? well dont worry. i got most of the food here from the korean restaurant nearby". she also pointed out vegetarian meals that she's ordered, and i was so thankful that she said that because the truth was - i was REALLY hungry. so after taking the food, i chose the most secluded seat available and dragged J to sit with me. she obliged.

everyone at the party was friendly. a few of them actually came to me to have a chat. i guess they find it amusing to find someone who does not look familiar, does not speak the same language nor practices the same religion. i felt a bit like a display item at the museum (but in a good way). and let me tell you - these people really know how to have fun! i don't know whether the booze played a part or not, but they were rocking and singing along for hours - NON STOP.

one thing that i find so fascinating about them is the high five ritual. they were a lot of high-fives flying around all the time. after someone makes a joke - there'd be high-fives. after a song is over, they'de be high-fives. after a photo is snap. there'd be high-fives. so... hollywood movie-ish. and the guys would have a special handshake (which i still coudn't figure the routine out until the end of the party) and hug each other a lot.

all in all, i think it was an enlighting experience. i realised that you can choose to be happy. it's an attitude. J's cousin and her husband does not live in a very big apartment. it's a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a single aircond unit (everyone was holding a paper plate on one hand fanning ourselves throughout the party). a small hall is shared for the living, dining and kitchen area. but they look contented with their life and genuinely happy. so did most of the guests there. there was so much joy, warmth, laughter and brotherhood among the guests - it was almost inspiring. if anything, i have learned two things from the party:

- happiness is an attitude
- money is not everything

bak kata mastercard, there are some things that money can't buy. ;)

In my attempt to summarize my 2009 hence the video.