Reflection of Ramadhan

It is one day before Ramadhan 1434H ends.

I pause to reflect on the events that have transpired this past month.

So many questions come to mind - Did I make full use of the Ramadhan? Did I manage to get closer to God? Was there anything that I could have done differently?

And the answer always seems to fall short of what I want.

It is not the not eating and drinking part that I have found difficult the past month. The challenge for me was more of the other aspects of Ramadhan: having to avert my eyes at impure sights, avoiding impure thoughts (a big challenge here), and most of all, sustaining my supplementary prayers throughout the entire month.

But Alhamdulillah, I am glad to report that I did manage the latter - I almost always managed to pray and additional solat taubah and solat hajat after my tarawih, and an additional solat taubah and hajat after Subuh prayers. Of this I am infinitely grateful that Allah gave me the strength and will-power to accomplish this - something that I had never been able to do throughout my life.

Of the Quran, up to this point I managed to finish 13 juz... Though not as much reading done as my Muslim brethren who finished reading the Quran two or even three times this month, it is a personal best for me since my childhood days. Throughout my adult life (including my time as a student and as a professional), I had never been able to get past a few juz in Ramadhan. There was always work, assignments, things to do, too tired.. there was always something that I told myself, just so that I could justify not reading the Quran. However I do realise that I could have read so much more...

In retrospect, even though I managed to do all the above this Ramadhan, one single aspect evades me. When I think about it, I find that I did not do just that - think. I read the Quran, and I prayed all the supplementary prayers, but I did not spend enough time just sitting down, contemplating, meditating, just thinking about Him. It may sound strange to many people, but that is the truth that I concede - I did all those things for Him, but I just did not spend enough time WITH Him... Wish I could explain it better, but I can't.

To all Muslims all around the world, I wish you Eid Mubarak. To all Malays in Malaysia, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya selama sebulan dan happy stuffing in all the good foods (Jaga-jaga). May the preceding Ramadhan be the best you have had to gain spiritual enlightenment and closeness to the Creator.

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

25 years later...

Dear me,

Look at you sleeping. It must've been a tiring journey, coming out to this world. Well, let me share a secret with you: You're going to love it out here.

Remember that lady who first held you in her arms. That's Mak. She's the greatest. Although she might like to nag a little wee bit too much sometimes, you'll find out later that it was all out of her love for you. She's an excellent mum. Ah, she's an excellent cook too and her Sambal Udang Petai is the best, so don't be surprise later if you turn up having a little extra kilos.

Were you awake when someone whispered Iqamat into your ears a moment ago? That was Abah. You are very lucky to have him as a father. He is strict but later you'll see that he is your best friend. He always wants the best for you and he wants you to be the best. You might get bored with his lullaby one day. Until today, he still sings the same tune to your smaller cousins, and somehow, you'll find yourself humming to the same tune too.

Years later in your life, you'll get a little brother named Adli. Growing up with him will be fun, but do bear with his naughtiness. If he turn out to be too much for you, don't worry, just ignore him, in the end Mak will scold him anyway (Hehe). While others might resort to punches and kicks when they fight, the two of you will tend to engage in war of words. Age gap does not matter, although some people would not believe how distant you and Adli is in terms of the age, because you will still be close regardless.

You will make friends, the whole lot of them. Some will stick with you through thick and thin, some will ditch you half way. You'll have crushes, the first would be in the sekolah rendah, although I'm sorry to say that they will remain as crushes and nothing more. You will enjoy school and university life, and you would strive to achieve excellence, and you will achieve it, except for a tiny glitch somewhere in the beginning.

Despite all this, you will still have regrets in your life, and you will like to look into other people's window and wonder the things that might have been. But you must remember that you would be a very lucky person to have a family who will always love you, and to have friends who will always be with you. Never forget that He may not always give you what you want, but He will always provide you with what you need.

Hey, look at me blabbing about your future. I think I should stop now and let you discover it yourself. But for now enjoy your sleep. You'll have one heck of a journey to go. And I'm sorry if I didn't turn out to be like the person you expected.

Sincerely,

Your 25 Year Old Self